Why Screaming Doesn't Work

It’s an Intimidation Tactic.

Children do not respond well to intimidation. Does anyone? It creates stress and fear. It makes the child afraid to make a mistake or do anything less than perfect and the results speak for themselves. Intimidation is mean, and hurtful. There are better ways to handle problems or conflict than by modeling how to bully and control.

You Can’t Fight Fire With Fire. 🔥🔥

The productive way to solve a problem is not to do the same thing you do not want done. To solve a problem with children you need to set a proper example, show leadership and create an environment where things go wrong but how they are handled is key.

It Instills Fear😱

Rather than nurturing free will through guidance and teaching of what things are good and acceptable, an unhealthy fear is created. People respond negatively when they are afraid. If a person is doing something because they are afraid then it is not in their heart to do that thing. This means that once the opportunity arises to do that thing without the intimidating fear looming nearby, they will most likely do it. They were not taught why it is not good or given the choice to decide what they want to do good or bad and why good is better. So, the problem is still an issue at the core of who they are. They may temporarily obey out of fear, but we want true obedience which happens when people are given instruction, understanding, healthy examples and free will.

It Creates Distrust and Resentment of The Caretaker.

Most people do not plan on having relationships full of distrust but with control, and intimidation that is what you get. If you are told on one hand the person who loves you most and cares for you can also turn around and be hateful and downright mean, through screaming, or even hitting, are you going to trust that person? How can you trust someone who is both loving and unpredictable with a temper? Children are smarter than most people give them credit for. It may be subtle but screaming at a vulnerable young heart is going to produce bad results even if it creates temporarily the desired result.

It’s Not Patient or Understanding.

We are models, examples and teachers by default when we are caring for or raising up a child. Love is patient. The goal is to love each other as we do ourselves. Remember the Golden Rule? By understanding and showing patience we help the child understand love and feel comfortable to be themselves even if they mess up and to come to us (the caretaker) no matter what. That is the kind of relationship I work towards with people in my life both children and adults alike.

It Creates “Blind” Followers.

You do not want children to just obey because you say so. Maybe temporarily that sounds nice but ultimately you want a relationship with the child that helps them grow and prepare for the future. A world full of people who will say all sorts of things. Do you want that child to just accept what they hear as truth because someone says so? I believe it is good to question things, find out facts and know why you believe what you believe.

Things To Do Instead?

Problem solved. Make sure you know where the behavior you do not want is coming from. Why is it happening? That is STEP ONE and it may be as simple as asking. Even with a one-year old who cannot talk yet I ask what is wrong. “Can you show me?” And they do through walking, having me follow and often by pointing.

NEXT, tell and show the child what to do instead if it is not something that is okay or good just for the moment. You may be able to solve the problem by giving the child what they want.

Know that it is a process. Learning is not instant; it's probably going to happen a few times but continue patiently TEACHING the better way to handle the emotions or the better action for the child to do.

EXAMPLES

If the child is biting... Let the child know biting hurts and redirect the child to something they can bite on instead. If the child is screaming, talk in a normal voice let them know you understand the emotion they’re experiencing whether frustration, sadness, fear, etc., and tell them to talk in a normal voice and use their words remember YOU are the model on how to deal with emotions and talking in an appropriate way. You need to master this before you can teach it.

At the same time though everyone has moments of weakness. If that happens, model humility, apologize and do better the next time. If the child is causing you to lose your temper or get too emotional take a step back to calm down before fully addressing the issue.

There are many ways to address things respectfully without screaming or talking through gritted teeth. I encourage you to explore alternatives and set an example of a leader who is in control of their emotions. Hope this is helpful to someone! Reach out if you have specific questions or any comments ❤