Grace in Childcare: Resolving Tantrums and Meltdowns

Everyone has tantrums, adults and children alike. As adults it is our responsibility to teach children how to handle their intense and sometimes irrational feelings. Punishment is not a lesson. Understanding their development mentally, emotionally and physically has helped me look at tantrums with a new perspective.

Think of a tantrum as a cry for help. Children may not know what they need or why they are feeling a certain way but tantrums and meltdowns, even the ones that appear to be downright rebellion, have an underlying cause. Learning to recognize the child's current maturity level for handling these emotional outbursts and identifying the unmet need that is the real issue will resolve almost immediately any problem!

There are several small steps we can take to help children handle their feelings in healthy appropriate ways WITHOUT spanking, screaming, threatening, intimidating, bribing or using any rewards/punishment system. Many people struggle with this concept especially if raised up with the above reactions to their own feelings. My hope is that if nothing else this article will paint a picture of a more loving, patient and graceful way to successfully stop tantrums and meltdowns in their tracks by meeting underlying needs before things get out of hand or recognizing and resolving those needs as soon as they start to get out of hand. I use related consequences.

What are related consequences?

If a child were making a high-pitched noise inside and refused to stop a related consequence could be to separate the child into an area of their own away from everyone's ears. This to some is considered a time out but in this case the consequence is related to the reason why it needs to stop and sets a clear boundary for what is expected and what will happen if they cannot do what is expected. If a time out is used in the sense of a child who just wrote on the wall, “Now go sit and think about what you did”, I do not practice this. One reason is because most children (if they actually sit) spend that time thinking it's unfair, or what they want to do when they get up, wondering how much longer they have to sit (which can just feel like punishment) and not actually preventing the issue from happening again or learning better things to do in the future.

Children are hardwired to be curious and explore. It is in their nature and how they learn. We can direct them when curiosity and exploration is welcomed or not. Doing this will instill peace and confidence in their independent actions as they grow.

The child could have a natural curiosity at their age to wonder what it would feel like or look like to draw on this. Children are not born knowing where colors belong. Even if we have told them many times if we leave colors out where they can get them, expect endless possibilities for natural curiosity which is a very great skill for learning! Ways to resolve this for both of you could be to get colors that only write on certain paper, only allow the child access to the colors while you are supervising, gently and respectfully discuss with even very young children the reason we don't write on walls "Writing on walls is damaging to walls, I like the walls the way they are.." Provide an alternative to the need of wall designs. "If you want to write on the paper when you finish, we can hang the paper on the wall. If you do not keep the colors on the paper, I will have to put the crayons, markers etc. away."

If this is an older child that you asked to do something and they saw a marker and decided to pick it up and write on the wall they know they are not supposed to do and did out of anger, and disrespect. Gently take the marker away first, then get on the child's level, eye level and kindly have a heart to heart. Acknowledge the feeling. "You are upset because of ..." Empathize with their feelings. "I understand it is sad or frustrating ..." Try to offer a solution. If there is no solution explain why and then talk about alternative options for handling the emotion they are experiencing.

I use related consequences any time possible. You are wanting to hit? I acknowledge the feeling, empathize (for real), give choices of one or two possible solutions such as squeezing a pillow or throwing a magnet dart to its target, explain why hitting isn't a healthy response to their feeling and respectfully offer help when possible.

Infants

Many of us know that infants have specific needs. They cannot speak yet and they cry to let us know something is wrong. Often these needs are being hungry, tired, uncomfortable due to wet/dirty diapers, too hot or cold, or gassy. Sometimes the infant is desiring affection or attention through play and conversation. Infants do not know right from wrong, etiquette, or what is routine and proper. Infants, toddlers, school aged children and adults all have basic needs. No matter what age there can be natural reactions to any need being unmet. If an adult gets hungry, they can possibly act angry. Adults have hopefully fine-tuned managing that feeling and learned to take care of themselves to ensure they do not go too long without eating that they need to manage physical responses to being hungry. In this same way we can help identify the needs of a child before certain problems arise. This means feeding children before going to the grocery store and making sure to adjust nap times if needed so that the child is getting enough sleep.

Be aware if the child has gone through any major life changes lately: a deployed parent, a new routine every day, a new sibling to share the parent’s attention and the family home with, difficulty with children at school, etc. Pay attention to the child's expressions. Children who have gone through major changes may need extra patience and understanding as you would if you start a new job, make a big move, or lose a loved one. Children aim to please even when they act out, acting out is a silent or loudly obnoxious cry for help. Put yourself in the shoes of the child in the moment they are having a fit and think: What is really going on here? Where is this behavior coming from? What is different? What does it look like to them that I am asking them to do or not do? How can I help and how can I help them for next time? Learning is a process that will happen through repetition, clear boundaries and a trusting, loving, respectful relationship.

Endless examples can be given of setting clear boundaries through consequences related to the reason something is wrong or must stop. Getting to the heart of every little and big matter will make such a difference

Yelling and Spanking

Yelling teaches a child you only mean what you say when your volume is raised. It shows even if you do not know healthy responses for emotions. If you mean what you say, follow through with a related consequence the first time. This backs up your words with actions. This trains children to pay attention to what you say the first time. Yelling is also the opposite of gentle and respectful. If an adult responded to you in your meltdown by yelling at you, you may feel like no one cares, just keep it to yourself, your problem is not important etc. You may even feel defensive, offended, hurt, withdrawn or more frustrated and possibly misunderstood.

Modeling teaches children much better than words. Do not expect a child not to scream and hit if that is your example to them when you are upset. If your responses are any of the unhealthy reactions I've been discussing, I encourage you to take a good look at yourself, why or where the reaction comes from, how it made you feel initially and what results it produced in the relationships with the people who reacted that way towards you. (Long and short term) Don't beat yourself up if this describes you. Adults can learn and improve too!

I believe that grace (Mercy and a giving heart) is the most fruitful long term results we can have in and with children's lives to produce happy, healthy, respectful children and adults that have learned to look at the heart of behavior rather than just the behavior itself. My relationship with God has been one full of grace and love that produced the desire to live better. I have seen the results time and time again as a nanny, mom and caregiver in various aspects over the last decade. There are more and more studies showing that while you can have immediate short term results with yelling, spanking, controlling, demanding etc. (all fear based) eventually the person reaches an age they can stand up for themselves and by then the relationship is very resentful, angry, disconnected and unhealthy at least in part. At the end of the day, no matter what has happened, I want my son to know without question he can come to me with any mistake or problem and I will love and help him however possible.

Related consequences will not work if it is used in an aggressive, disrespectful manner lacking any insight or understanding. They should come from an attitude of genuine care and instruction to add to the person's life. We must look at children as humans that deserve love and respect before they are grown.

Spanking is like yelling. Young minds do not correlate the hitting on the bottom to what they are getting hit for. Spanking breaks the relationship of trust and being able to freely approach a caregiver with an issue out of fear. Children start to lie or hide things to avoid being spanked. Children often are afraid to make mistakes, which is part of learning and improving so this is detrimental. Some children will try to spank other children or even adults when they are upset. Children do not automatically know that spanking is for a designated part of the body at designated times. From a pure child point of view, spanking is just hitting because you did not like something they did or said.

Children do leaps and bounds better when they are free to make mistakes without fear of rejection, punishment, or isolation. Childcare can be messy business when they are first allowed to be transparent and make mistakes, but it is worth every challenge in the beginning.

Different Versions of Spanking

I do not believe any type or variation of spanking produces the types of relationships we ideally want to have with children. Instructing children in each moment through clear boundaries and a heart of understanding and consideration allows for growth. What better relationship is there than to have confidence and trust, to know that you can always come transparently before your teacher and receive respectful, knowledgeable advice, comfort, and help in your mistakes? To know your adviser wants you to have the happiest and healthiest life available to you. It is through strong, trusting relationships that people of all ages become the best they can be naturally. It is freeing

If you have any questions about specific situations with child tantrums or behavioral problems I would love to hear from you and help by giving examples of alternative responses that can actually teach the child in a loving way instead of what may be a default to you and isn't working. Feel free to reach out and check back for more articles next time!